


Love Confession

by hypnoshatesme



Series: Somebody to Hold [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff, Gen, Relationship Negotiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:54:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26811718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypnoshatesme/pseuds/hypnoshatesme
Summary: In which some things are cleared up.
Relationships: Gerard Keay/Michael Shelley
Series: Somebody to Hold [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1913047
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Love Confession

**Author's Note:**

> today's prompt was 'love confession' which is something I hate writing, but love over-discussing :)

They had been sitting in comfortable silence for a good while now. It was the weekend before Michael started his new job, and they had wanted to meet up before it became a bit more complicated to make it work for both. It had been Michael who suggested cooking - and maybe regretted it a little after they made a mess of the kitchen trying to do so - and they had settled on Michael’s couch after eating, idle chatter dying down eventually.

Michael didn’t mind the silence, necessarily. Except it often brought back things he’d been turning over and over in his head. They hadn’t talked much about the night. Michael knew Gerry still felt that strange...lack of something because he felt the same and Gerry’s expression betrayed it when he relaxed. But Michael’s mind, as usual, had hung itself up on a much more trivial aspect of that night, an exchange that had only really settled as having actually happened probably a week later. He couldn’t stop worrying about it. Maybe he needed to finally bring it up? Gerry hadn’t, so he didn’t know if, for him, that whole thing was just...done. It wasn’t for Michael.

"Are you sure it’s okay?" he finally decided to mumble into the silence, already missing it as he heard his own nervous voice.

Gerry took a moment before he turned around to face him with a questioning look. "Hm?"

Right. Michael hadn’t said anything about it and Gerry couldn’t read minds. He blushed a little at the realisation that he had skipped the part of the conversation where he explained what he was talking about completely. 

He cleared his throat, sitting up from his slouch. "The...telling you that I love you."

Gerry frowned at that, trying to understand where this was coming from. As far as he could tell, they had only had that exchange the night of the fire. His memory of that night wasn’t quite clear - he  _ had _ tried not thinking too much about it - but as far as he remembered, Michael had asked the same question then. 

"I did say it was fine then?" he asked carefully, doubt in his voice. Was he misremembering?

"Yes, you did. I...it was just..." Michael tried to find words to explain what he meant, to explain how distant he had felt that night, how unreal it had seemed. "That night was just...strange. I wanted to make sure you still...find that okay?"

Gerry looked at his eyes. "I do. As much as people like to pretend like romantic love is the only one, I know it isn't. We both do." He put out his hand towards Michael and Michael tentatively put his own into it. Gerry gently wrapped his fingers around it, squeezing it, still holding Michael’s gaze. "I care a lot about you, Michael. And I think those words are probably the closest to expressing what I feel."

Michael looked at their hands after a moment, worry still clear in his voice when he spoke, "Doesn't make you...uncomfortable?"

"Does it make  _ you _ uncomfortable?" Gerry ran a thumb over the back of Michael’s hand.

"I’m...I’m not sure.” Michael knit his brows, trying to put words to what he was feeling. He really wasn’t good at this. “It...makes me anxious, I think? I _ know  _ that you don't mean it like...that. I know you know  _ I _ don't and I- I believe you. But there's this brief surge of panic?” He squeezed Gerry’s hand, biting his lip. “That you...that it might be...misinterpreted. Held against me, maybe."

"I would never-"

"I know! Anxiety just...doesn't care.” Like before, Michael felt like he couldn’t stop now that he had started, “I...I feel that pressure? Now that you...know. To perform accordingly, to...to proof to you that I...really do feel like I feel.” He sighed in frustration, slumping back into the couch. “I know it's stupid."

"Its not stupid.” Gerry said, though he took a moment to choose his words before elaborating, “I think you just...are used to having to do that with others? I get that, to an extent." Gerry wished he didn’t and he also wished Michael wouldn’t have to deal with it at all. "But, as I think I mentioned, you know best about how you feel and what you want and are comfortable with. None of that is for me to question." 

Michael closed his eyes with a sigh. He knew. He tried to tell himself that whenever his thoughts were acting up, with mixed results.

Gerry traced his fingers, looking at Michael’s tense face. "And...I know it's difficult to accept, but I think a lot of what's stressing you out are perfectly reasonable things that are just….sold as purely romantic? Like I love yous. Nothing has to be romantic if it doesn't suit you, okay? You can hold my hand and if you'd want to kiss me and it wouldn't make it any more of a romance. Not when we're both clearly not interested in or comfortable with it."

"People will still see it as such…" he mumbled wearily.

Gerry shrugged. "Yeah, I guess a healthy dose of ignoring those idiots helps."

Michael opened his eyes and looked at Gerry with a small smile, that didn’t quite reach his eyes, "I don't...think I can do that."

"Baby steps." Gerry squeezed his hand again. He frowned, wondering if he was even managing to actually convey what he meant. It was starting to sound an awful lot like he was trying to tell Michael what to do, which hadn’t been his intention. "Actually, in general I'm not saying you need to get to a certain point, like holding my hand in public or something. Do what you’re comfortable with.” He wasn’t sure if that made it any better, so he decided to add, “But at home? You can relax. I'm not here to judge. I get you. Maybe not completely but I understand the conflict of wanting to be held without all that strange shit that comes attached with calling it romance. It's unnecessary if you don't want it and it isn't a requirement. In general, and most certainly not with me. Okay?"

Michael listened, trying to take the words in. He wanted to believe in them. It wasn’t like he didn’t himself know that most of the things he stressed about were just useless terms and associations he’d grown up with. He didn’t  _ want  _ to be anxious about it, he really didn’t.

"I….I'll try to remember that." He sighed. It felt like that was all he ever said. "I just...I  _ know  _ that in theory, I do...but my brain…"

Gerry shrugged. "Look, this bullshit is pushed into your face every day, basically. And has been for all of your life. Cut your brain some slack. It’s difficult to unlearn all of that.” He gave Michael a smile. “Take your time. And I'm always here if you need to talk through it again. Don't hesitate hitting me up."

Michael frowned. "That sounds annoying…"

"Honestly, it's nice to have somebody to talk about this with.” Gerry leaned against Michael’s side, letting their intertwined hands rest on his thigh. “It feels more...real. I know I talk like this is...easy for me, but it often isn't. There's doubts. It helps to voice this, to make myself listen."

His voice dropped into a near-whisper by the end. Gerry was still unsure about admitting that a lot of the certainty he tried to emanate was just a well-kept facade. He didn’t like admitting it, didn’t like feeling so strangely vulnerable. But Michael deserved to know that he wasn’t the only one struggling with his identity sometimes.

Michael was still shocked whenever Gerry implied he wasn’t as unshakable as he seemed. Michael still needed to get used to that idea. "Oh...okay." He traced Gerry’s knuckles with his thumb, hesitating a bit before settling on, "Thank you."

Gerry, perceptive as always, picked up on Michael’s uncertain tone. "You wanted to say something else?"

"I was thinking...if this was an appropriate moment to tell you that I really appreciate you.” He sighed, blushing again. “That...I love you."

Gerry chuckled. "Don't think too hard about it. Just...if it feels right? Say it.” Maybe he was starting to sound a bit demanding. He hid his face in Michael’s arm, hiding the rising blush as he admitted, “It's nice to hear, I'm not going to lie."

"It is! After...after the initial anxiety…"

"Maybe it'll get better with time?" Gerry looked up at him.

Michael gave him a small smile, this one looking more genuine. "It might."

They fell silent for a moment, both processing the conversation. Gerry still felt like he didn’t quite manage to make himself clear. He couldn’t tell if he had pushed too far into trying to tell Michael that he shouldn’t be uncomfortable with I love yous. He felt like he might have. It felt important to amend that. 

"You can always tell me to stop saying it if it starts making you uncomfortable, alright?"

Michael nodded, squeezing his hand. "Same to you."

"Would now be fine?" Gerry asked after a short moment.

Michael nodded with a smile. Gerry returned it. "I love you, too, Michael."


End file.
